Wednesday, November 18, 2009

How to stuff a woman's stocking (this is not a metaphor) by Ryan D'Agostino

Yesterday in a weekly work status meeting, I went to present something from this month's Esquire magazine and was met by "I think you're the only person left who reads Esquire!" Touche, I do read Esquire, and I love it. I love the graphics, I love the articles, I love the funny jokes by a hot woman. Maybe it's my increasing void of testosterone, or maybe it's the hilarity of Dr. Oz's face knitted onto a Christmas sweater. Whatever the case, reading this magazine during my commute is a close second to not-finishing the New York Mag crossword puzzle.

This morning I came across this sidebar of How to Stuff a Woman's Stocking (this is not a metaphor) by Ryan D'Agostino. In the Matheny household our stockings consist of the necessities: deodorant, toothbrush, santa chocolate, socks, mixed in with a few big ticket items like makeup, jewelry or music. What I'm saying is that if I were ever on the receiving end of this stocking jackpot, it would be a very happy holiday. I give it to you:

The first step in filling a Christmas stocking is:
Remember to do it. Women tend to love us for performing gestures that are thoughtful, time-consuming, and surprising. This one is (potentially) all of the above.

The clue:
A small piece that represents a greater whole. If you bought her a new flat-screen (ed note: !), put the remote in her stocking. A new bike (ed note: !!)? The key to the lock.

Ticket:
Nothing delivers more excitement while taking up less space. Plane tickets are thoughtful. But so are movie tickets for December 26.

The old "box-with-a-map-to-the-closet-where-the-big-expensive-gift-is-hidden" trick. (ed note: a grandma Matheny favorite)

A gadget:
An option your dad never had—camcorders didn't fit in stockings. Digital cameras and iPod nanos do.

Perfume:
Small. Smells good. No-brainer. A good heavy anchor to place in the toe.

Something old-timey:
A candy cane and some clementines poking out will make it look like a stocking in the movies.

Filler:
Candy. (Obvious and affordable. Go right now to bespokechocolates.com and order the pretzel-covered caramels.) Matchbooks from restaurants you two ate at this past year. (ed note: swoon) A few pair of the running socks she likes. (ed note: double swoon) The earbuds she's always losing.

Something funny:
A meat thermometer, because she overcooks the steak? A nutcracker and some walnuts? You know her better than we do.

4 comments:

Jessica said...

I love it. If I had a boyfriend, and if i wasn't Jewish and actually had a stocking, I'd totally give this to him. My boyfriend.

minus five said...

i think ryan is a girl or gay. there's no way a straight man could have come up with any of this on his own.

Anne Marie said...

I might have to stuff my own stocking. (This is a metaphor.)

Jessica said...

Ah ha ha AMP. Same here.